Single and Loneliness*

I used to be the life of the parties, random strangers wanted to dance, drinks were brought left and right, I was used to getting stared at, compliments, I was the “it” guy! I raised my drink to every cheer, laughed all night and then… came home alone again! I keep telling myself that it’s all getting old but the fact is that its not getting old - I just don’t want to go at it alone anymore.

I choke up every so often, there’s a god awful ache in my stomach, I feel the need to cry but I don’t, I walk out of my own space and visit my already married friends. There’s noise, a routine and loneliness stays at least a couple miles away. I’m entertained, I turn into the cool guy again, we sit around, eat and gossip. Ultimately I come home late and loneliness is still there, so I head straight for bed.

I feel that I’m a good candidate to be in a relationship that lasts. I have my faults, bad days, and sometimes don’t know when to shut up. I also know I’m a pretty cool guy, with a good head on his shoulders, who believes in life and wants to live in every moment. I know these things, I’ve come to know me and what I’m about and yet I slump every now and then and just want to sleep.

Every one I talk to being family or friends tells me “everything is going to be fine” or “before you know it the right person will just come into your life” and of course “when you least expect it, when your not looking someone will pop right into your life”. How can this be said? how can single people not be looking? we have to be looking, otherwise we’d stay single forever. Yes, we can be out walking around, grocery shopping, or even at work and not be thinking about finding someone when they walk into our lives, but we were looking because we paid attention to the attraction, we looked for signs that indicated that “this could be it”.

When it turns out not to be “it” for me it hurts and loneliness takes me by the hand and walks me home to sleep. I dwell for a bit and eventually resume back to life. Back to the guy who’s the life of the party the guy who doesn’t stop. I get up, I do things, I remind myself that I need to push forward for me. Everyone and everything is important, but to a single person there should be nothing more important than taking care of oneself. Stand up, smile, remind yourself that your alive and that you have things to do. I fall and hurt and loneliness does not hesitate one bit to take me over when I’m weak. It’s OK to feel this way, we’re human and we feel. It’s just very important to get up and move on no matter how ugly or lonely the fall was, we must move on and KNOW that someone is looking for us. We must also keep looking, we must keep our eyes open, smile, knowing that we are every day closer to what we’re looking for.

Through all I keep having faith and something way down deep inside of me tells me that one day for some funny, delicious reason I’m going to walk hand in hand and dance with someone I was in fact looking for, even when I wasn’t.

*Courtesy: A Blogger whose web URL I missed noting. Apologies and Thanks to the person. There are a few edits to the original content.